My Beastly Battle

*Sharing an excerpt from my morning pages. Pure stream of consciousness. Welcome to my inner world!*

A friend reminded me yesterday we all have our battles and it struck me like lightning I've kept most of my battles a secret. Why? Why have I kept my pain in hiding? The PTSD. The depression. The anxiety in me starts screaming. It doesn’t want to experience more pain. More judgment. More fear. I take a breath and tears fill my eyes. My soul steps in. No more hiding. No more chains. It's time to set the suffering free.

For the past 16 years, I watched darkness take over. I experienced addiction strangle the light out of someone I love dearly. My life turned upside down. Violence entered. Hurt howled. Anger roared. Grief growled. Sadness screamed from the top of its lungs for help. For hope. For holding. I watched everyone I love suffer profoundly. Nothing hurts like that. Nothing hurts more than losing everything and everyone you love. Including yourself.

When you have PTSD, your mind and memories play tricks on you. The fear runs the show. Sheer terror takes over. Yet the whole time, I pretended like nothing was wrong. I didn’t want anyone to know because then I'd have to admit to myself how much pain I was really in. And if I really felt all the pain I was in, I wouldn’t have been able to go on. So I worked even harder. In school, in sports, and once I graduated, in my career. It kept my mind distracted enough from the pain of it all. Deep down I always knew the suffering was happening for a reason, even though that reason wasn’t clear just yet. That belief kept me going all those sleepless nights. All those days when the beast inside me roared. Now that I found my healing, I know what those reasons are. Those reasons I will share over time, but for now, I want to focus on one. I was so afraid of sharing my lows, the depths of the darkness because the joy, light and love in me was scared the dark would win. It would be too heavy. That people would see me differently. Think I was too much. Believe there was something wrong with me.

What I want is for people to not feel alone in the darkness, but if I don’t share my beastly battles then how will anyone know they have a friend in me in those dark times? How would you know you're not alone? How would you know there's nothing wrong with you? How would you know there's light at the end of the tunnel? Because there is light at the end of the tunnel. And inside you. And while the darkness in my life isn't gone and never will be, I've learned how to dance with it. I've learned how to let it guide me and lead me through rough waters and raging storms to the light. Because of it I've experienced the full range of emotions and now those emotions are my friends. They are my companions and my greatest teachers. They are my source of wisdom and inspiration. They are an infinite well of creativity that will never go dry.

I'm not afraid of the dark and realized I never was which was why I rolled around in it for so long. The nerd in me and my old soul knew it was full of hidden treasures and lessons to learn. I took my time. Like a turtle gathering experiences under my shell to share when the time was right. I was never waiting for the perfect moment. I was trusting and will continue to trust that my heart knows when it's safe to let go. When it's time to surrender. When my suffering can’t be a secret anymore. And that time is now.